I’m going away and there’s nothing you can do about it.
You regret shouting at me over the phone. How we were fighting and you slammed the phone in the middle. Your last words to me were, “You are a nobody and you always will be!”. You’re crying because you feel it’s your fault I’m going away forever. You’re saying you can’t live with this guilt and you want to die right now. No one seems to persuade you otherwise. I wish you could hear my thoughts. I wish these last words of mine, which you’ll never get to hear from me, reach you somehow.
As I lay here, on this operating table, dying, I am making a mental note of what I would’ve said if there was a possibility of me making it till the end of this operation. But the accident got me pretty bad. After you hung up, I was fuming as never before. I know we never saw eye to eye. You hated it when I used to argue with you. Now and then, I used to do things just to aggravate you. Like the time I came home for Diwali with my hair dyed blue. You were furious and did not talk to me for a month. It was amusing at first, but the last few days, without hearing your voice, were agonizing. There was a bubble floating in my head, which was filled with so much rage towards you. It burst when you slammed the phone. I got out of bed, picked up the bike and took to the road. I thought it will take my mind off things but it didn’t. The horn from the truck brought me back to earth but it was too late.
Dad, first of all, I want you to know that I love you more than anything in the world. Both of us were such strong-willed personalities that we couldn’t see from each other’s point of view. But you always had my back. I recall that same Diwali, I overheard when you told mom you’ll arrange the money by some means for my Europe trip. I was so foolish, I didn’t even say ‘thank you’ when you booked my tickets. It all seems such a waste now that I think about it. I’m fading and I will never get to embrace you ever again. Also, I will die with the blame that I made you cry. I just want you to believe when someone tells you it wasn’t your fault. You feel things were left unsaid and we’ll never get to say them again, but I know. I know in my heart that you love me in your own peculiar way. So, if somehow my voice reaches you, I want you to promise me that you’ll live on. You’ll find some motivation to carry on. Without any burden, without any remorse. And know in your heart that you did a great job as a Dad. Nobody could’ve done it better with a son as rebellious as myself.
Your biggest enemy, your greatest friend